In the prolific discussion about work-life balance, it may seem that what is needed is less time at work. The image that is conjured is one of a teeter-totter with you, working like a dog, on one side and your personal life on the other, up in the air.
Pembroke leaving teeter-totter during a dog agility competition (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
However, my experience and observation is that it’s not that simple. It may boil down to how happy you are with what you’re doing, not how many hours you spend at it. So when I suggest that you consider adding a side job to increase your work-life balance you may think I’m a bit crazed.
But let me explain…
I propose that what really makes us feel out of balance is that we’re not able to express our creative individuality. Time blurs and expands when you’re in the midst of doing something you love. It’s what some call being “in the flow“. I can work for hours writing something I’m truly engaged in and not even notice I missed dinner. By adding a side gig of writing for my personal projects and interests, I’ve increased my overall feeling of balance and well-being. I know that I can get a little stressed and cranky when I put my personal projects on the back burner for too long.
Seeking Self-Others Balance Instead
The balance I’m seeking is the one between myself and others, I think. How much time and energy and I spending doing what others want and need of me in contrast with how much I do what I want to express myself. Sounds selfish doesn’t it? Yes, it is. But in the nicest possible way.
The Joy of Personal Creative Projects
I love my day job, don’t get me wrong. But what really gets my creative juices and joy flowing is my side projects that I gladly squeeze in at lunch breaks, evenings and weekends. As Mary Choi points out in her article for Wired magazine, October 2012, called “The Second Shift”:
“You are overwhelmed, overscheduled, and dejected, because you keep trying to have it all–or at least most of it. You want a fulfilling job and personal life, and it’s not working. The way out? Work more. Hate to break it to you, but career and home aren’t the only poles. There is another: all those beautiful, disregarded side projects.”
Sometimes, the side jobs can lead to a whole new work and life. That was the case for Rae Hoffman, who shares her heart-felt story of how she fell into Internet Marketing and blogging because of her infant son’s tragic stroke. Or what about the story of J. K. Rowling, now famous and wealthy author of the Harry Potter books? She tells the story in her autobiography on her website:
“I had been writing almost continuously since the age of six but I had never been so excited about an idea before. To my immense frustration, I didn’t have a functioning pen with me, and I was too shy to ask anybody if I could borrow one. I think, now, that this was probably a good thing, because I simply sat and thought, for four (delayed train) hours, and all the details bubbled up in my brain, and this scrawny, black-haired, bespectacled boy who didn’t know he was a wizard became more and more real to me…
I began to write ‘Philosopher’s Stone’ that very evening, although those first few pages bear no resemblance at all to anything in the finished book…
J.K. Rowling reads from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone at the Easter Egg Roll at White House (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I intended to start teaching again and knew that unless I finished the book very soon, I might never finish it; I knew that full-time teaching, with all the marking and lesson planning, let alone with a small daughter to care for single-handedly, would leave me with absolutely no spare time at all. And so I set to work in a kind of frenzy, determined to finish the book and at least try and get it published. Whenever Jessica fell asleep in her pushchair I would dash to the nearest cafe and write like mad. I wrote nearly every evening. Then I had to type the whole thing out myself. Sometimes I actually hated the book, even while I loved it.
Finally it was done. .. It took a year for my new agent, Christopher, to find a publisher. Then, finally, in August 1996, Christopher telephoned me and told me that Bloomsbury had ‘made an offer.’…
There were so many ideas swimming in my mind. As I often do when faced with a conflict or decision, I used The I Ching or Book of Changes to get guidance. This time I used a new version that I just downloaded as an app for my Kindle Fire and Android phone:The I Ching or Book of Changes: A Guide to Life’s Turning Points by Brian Browne Walker.
I Ching (Photo credit: Ross Griff)
The I Ching reading gave me: 6 changing to 64. I resonated to the wording of this transaltion especially on this occasion.
6 = (Sung) Conflict “The proper response to conflict, whether it lies within or without us, is disengagement. Whenever we allow ourselves to be drawn off balance, away from the strength of quiet integrity, we are in conflict. It matters not whether the confrontation is between competing values in one’s own mind or with another person: it is the inner departure from clarity and equanimity that leaves us with feelings of despair and vulnerability…The only way to live free of conflict is to hold steadfastly to proper principles in all things. Through balance, patience, and devotion to inner truth we rise above every challenge.”
I’m in the midst of researching my new book about overcoming feelings of being overwhelmed to achieve work-life balance. These words seemed to be spoken by a wise Sage directly to me. It’s somewhat disconcerting how “alive” the I Ching feels as I work with it almost daily.
Yes, it’s so clear to me that all conflict is within. It’s a matter of allowing oneself to be pulled off-center by another person or a situation. The outer reality appears to be that the “other” or the “outer” is what is causing the conflict. But in fact, the conflict always comes from my perception of the discord.
And then, the reading goes on to help me understand how to get myself back in balance, feeling inner calm and centeredness again. It provides a concise explanation of how to achieve work-life balance from the state of being overwhelmed.
64 = (Wei Chi) Before Completion: “The transition from chaos to order depends upon your achieving true inner calm. … As long as we repond to outer pressures with our egos—by worrying, desire, or becoming aggressive—we cannot attain a successful repose. The I Ching reminds us now to abandon the hysterics of the ego in favor of acceptance, modesty, and inner balance… In a very real sense it can be said that the state of the world depends on your thoughts and conduct now.”
A Case of Mistaken Identity
Later, I was reading True Balance by Sonia Choquette, Ph.D., in her chapter about balancing the heart chakra. One story particularly struck home about a change of perception for flight attendant with smelly family of immigrants. The flight attendant noticed a group of foreigners who looked disheveled and smelled terrible. She judged them in her mind as “smelly immigrants” and held a superior and condescending attitude about them. She treated them accordingly in flight. However, at one point she learned the story about these people and it caused her to turn her attitude and feelings completely around. They had left their country in fear for their lives with only the clothes on their backs several days ago. Their contact did not meet them and they had been without much food for days. One young man in the group fainted from hunger and stress.
The flight attendant immediately became helpful to them. The older woman in the group said “Thank you. I know we smell bad.” The flight attendant went out of her way to help them to get food, giving up her own in flight meal to the young man who fainted. She personally escorted them to find assistance when the plane landed. Same outer appearances, totally different reality. The conflict was all in her mind, and it created harmful stress and negative emotions unnecessarily.
Have you ever been in a situation like that? You’re so convinced you’re “right” or “better than” only to find out you completely misunderstood the situation or the person? I sure have! It’s quite a humbling experience.
So the I Ching in its wise counsel is teaching us to approach every conflict as an inner conflict. What if I am wrong about my initial impression? What if there is more to this person or situation than I know at this moment? Is anything worth losing my balance, calm and integrity? Heart-felt appreciation and caring has been shown to be good for our health and well-being. I prefer to maintain equanimity.
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